Another Postcard
by teshara
Summary: Barenaked Ladies: Another Postcard SONGFIC. HumorParody Snape
1. Default Chapter

AN: This is a song fic based on Barenaked Ladies: Another Postcard, just because I think the song is funny as hell. There will be more chapters, although this fic probably won't be updated regularly. 

Another Postcard Chapter One

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Blast!" Severus Snape exclaimed as he reached for the postcard a large brown owl had dropped in front of him. 

"Not another one, Severus?" Dumbledore asked, mildly interested.

"Yes, another one," Snape said, annoyed. He looked at the back of the postcard. It was blank, except for his location. The front sported a picture of a chimpanzee wearing a large straw hat. Its location claimed it had been purchased in Hawaii.

"Whoever it is, they sure get around," Professor Flitwick remarked. "This makes ten, doesn't it, Severus?"

"Eleven," Snape said, sneering. The former student that was doing this must have thought they were very amusing. He tucked the card into his robes and finished his breakfast.

***

Snape thought about the card throughout the day. Whenever he moved during the day, it slid around in his pocket, reminding him of its presence.

Snape sat in his office during lunch and looked over his lesson plan for the Sixth Years that day. He felt the card crinkle in his pocket and he pulled it out.

The first card had arrived shortly after the class of '97 had departed. It was from China and showed a chimp in a kimono, waving a fan. He had received them at irregular intervals, but they had been coming for two years now.

Snape had first suspected the Weasley twins, but since the cards didn't seem to have any destructive properties so they were ruled out quickly. Potter and Ron Weasley as well. They worked for the Ministry now and hardly had a moment for themselves, let alone globetrotting and sending inane postcards to a former professor.

Perhaps they were from Lucius Malfoy. He was still missing and Severus suspected his location changed often. He could be taunting him from afar.

Snape shook his head. Lucius wouldn't do something like that unless it was hexed 20 ways to next Tuesday. He opened a desk drawer and saw another postcard with two chimpanzees on it. They were wearing little wooden shoes and holding a hookah. It claimed to be from Amsterdam. He shook his head again and tossed the newest postcard on top of his growing pile.


	2. 2

Another Postcard Chapter 2

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Professor Snape set his pewter goblet down with a bang at breakfast one morning. Several bowls and trays clanged as their balance was upset on the teachers table. Professor Flitwick's small mug of coffee tipped over, but he flicked his wand quickly and it was cleared before anyone was scalded.

"Severus," Flitwick squeaked. "Whatever is the-," his voice trailed off as he saw the postcard sitting in front of Snape. A postcard with a picture of a chimpanzee in a tuxedo and spats grinned up at him. The little wizard began chuckling.

"I fail to see the entertainment value in this," said Snape, his jaw clenched.

"I don't," said Professor McGonagall, who Snape hadn't realized was standing behind him. "It certainly has managed to get a rise out of you."

Snape ate the remainder of his breakfast, ignoring the postcard on the table in front of him. He rose quickly and pocketed the card when he was done.

Several students jumped out of his way as he stormed down the halls, his cape billowing, as he made his way to the dungeons. The frown on his face was enough to even get Professor Trelawney to take a step back, although she threw him a nasty look as he strode past.

When he got to his laboratory he looked at his shelf of reference books. He didn't even know where to begin. The only writing on it was his name. 

Snape started with a Potion of Intention. When sprayed on the writing it glowed faintly yellow. Nothing malicious was intended and humor was involved. This verified it was a practical joke and he relaxed quite a bit.

For a moment he considered ceasing with the testing and trying to guess who the student was. Perhaps he could get a betting pool going with Flitwick. At least it was one bet he had a chance at. McGonagall would be getting galleons from him over Quidditch games for the rest of his career.

He sprayed a Sexing Potion of the postcard. It glowed red. Female.

An Aging Potion. Between 15 and 30 years of age. That didn't help much. 

Snape sighed and opened his drawer. There were twelve postcards now. 

Snape sat back in his chair and looked at the inside of his office.

Bare stone walls decorated only with bookshelves and potions ingredients surrounded him. A threadbare black rug stretched between the worn desk and the black leather chairs before it. It could use a cleaning, truth be told. 

There were no windows and the hearth lay bare, the room usually heated by a cauldron bubbling in a corner when he was present.

A bit of color wouldn't kill him. Snape reasoned. Perhaps it was even a little satisfying to have a student think of him enough to send him something pleasant after they left. 

After the Weasley twins had left and the search of mail was stopped he had received a package that he still shuddered about when he thought of it. He had never been able to peg it on them, but he had been hexed to hear a horrible repetitive song about a Muggle with a peculiar wife in his head for the better part of 2 hours.

With a few flicks of his wand and some rearranging he found himself with a decent amount of wall space. He retrieved the postcards and spelled them with a temporary sticking spell before he arranged them on the wall in their order of arrival.

There was a tap on his door as he was examining his handiwork.

"Come," Snape said.

"Severus I believe there's the matter of-," Professor McGonagall's voice trailed off as he turned around.

"Yes," Snape frowned. He knew she was here to get a Galleon he owed her from the last Quidditch game. For someone who didn't believe in Divination she seemed to have an uncanny way of choosing winning teams.

"Are those all the postcards you've gotten?" McGonagall asked, looking past him.

"Oh," Snape said, turning around so she could see past him. "Yes. They were… taking up too much room in my desk."

"I see," said Professor McGonagall, smiling at him as he sniffed imperiously. "Well, there's the matter of a Galleon."

Snape quickly paid her off and shooed her out of his office before she could continue looking at him like that. It was unnerving.


	3. 3

AN: The song Snape was hexed with was: 'I Am Henry VIII, I Am,' by Herman's Hermits. 

Another Postcard Chapter 3

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Snape watched the owl swoop overhead at breakfast and he shook his head. It neared the staff table and Severus wasn't surprised when it dropped a postcard in front of him.

"What's this one, Severus?" Flitwick asked as Severus reached for it. 

Snape turned it over and chuckled in spite of himself. He quickly looked around to see if any students had noticed his lapse in self control. No one had.

Snape passed the card to Flitwick and the little man dissolved into giggles and proceeded to pass it along the staff table.

It was nowhere near Halloween, but his stalker had managed to find a chimp dressed as a mad scientist, bubbling beakers surrounding him and a scowl plastered across his face.

"Extraordinary likeness," said Professor Sprout much further along the table. He tried to scowl at her but she ducked behind Professor McGonagall who seemed to think Sprout's comment was highly amusing. At least that's what Snape deduced from watching her throw her head back and cackling loudly.

"Any idea yet?" asked Flitwick. 

His eyes were twinkling. Perhaps he knew something. Snape was not going to give him the satisfaction of asking.

"Someone with money to burn and a strange sense of humor," Snape said.

"Made you laugh," said Professor Sinistra, who had arrived and had taken the seat on his other side. "Saw it as I came in."

She poured herself a goblet of pumpkin juice and filled her plate as the card came back. Snape held it up for her to see as she took a sip from her goblet. She snorted pumpkin juice out her nose.

"Really, Severus," said Flitwick as he leapt up to pound Sinistra on the back.

Snape wiped the pumpkin juice off his card and slid into an inside pocket of his robes. What an amusing start to his day.

***

As Snape suspected, Flitwick soon started a betting pool as to who it was sending the postcards. Dumbledore even put down a galleon on Colin Creevy.

"But he was still here when they started coming," Flitwick had protested.

"Perhaps he got someone else to send them," said Dumbledore. "We are betting on who is responsible, not the actual sender."

That had opened a can of worms, some professors betting on combinations of students.

"Bill Weasley, Charlie Weasley, and Ginny Weasley," Professor Sprout had declared to Flitwick as she handed him a galleon.

"Just those three?" Flitwick had asked.

"Percy would never," Sprout had declared. "Ron wouldn't think of it and the world would know if the twins were in on it."

Flitwick had finally relented and taken her galleon.

"What are the chances?" Snape had asked him after she had toddled off.

"Pretty slim," Flitwick said as he opened a purple velvet pouch and dropped the galleon in. It made a loud clinking sound. Snape wondered how much was in there. "Ginny maybe, but the others are a bit too old for this."

Snape had sniffed and marched down to his office in the dungeons.

***

The mad scientist found a home near the chimp in a tuxedo and Severus surveyed his office. How much more room was he going to have to make? It certainly looked strange with a splash of vivid color on one wall. Perhaps he would get a plant.

He yanked his heavy curtains and choked on the billow of dust that flew in his face. Didn't the house elves ever get down here?

"_Scourgefy_," said Severus pointing his wand at the filthy curtains. Once that was done he did the window. 

Perhaps the office could use an airing. He threw the window open and turned to look at the room. How did it manage to get that dirty? Now that light was spilling in Severus noticed a dull look on most of the surfaces. The cleaning had taken most of the afternoon. The floor covering had been thrown away and the elves had found him an oriental rug somewhere. He hoped Dumbledore wouldn't find a bare floor when he retreated to his office later in the evening. He tried to remember the floor coverings of all the staff members. Well, perhaps he wouldn't mind if it came from Trelawney's belongings.

Sprout had a small fluxweed cutting she was willing to give up. It blossomed small flowers that were such a dusty purple they were almost grey. That was quite enough color to balance the room.

He stood back and admired his work. He frowned for a moment at his frivolity, but came to the decision that his office would be more comfortable to work longer hours in. 

Of course, the transformation was not about the postcards. It was just a natural evolution of his surroundings to maximize his productivity. 


	4. 4

Another Postcard Chapter 4

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Snape sat at the staff table enjoying his breakfast peacefully during the winter holidays when a lone owl swooped through the empty Great Hall and dropped a package in front of him.

There was no one here now to see him reach for it immediately. He ripped the envelope open and froze as he pulled out the contents.

It was a back of a postcard. There was writing on it. There never had been before. Well, not writing really, typing to be exact, but there it was:

_Happy Holidays, You Arrogant Bastard_

Snape laughed madly. Whoever this was, it certainly was no lovesick bubble-head. It was most defiantly one of his former students. He was glad most of the students stuck at the school over the holidays slept in until lunch so he had no witnesses.

"Something amusing, Severus?"

Snape jumped so abruptly he upset his goblet. Dumbledore swished his wand and the mess was cleared.

"I hate it when you do that," muttered Snape as Dumbledore sat beside him.

"I will try to be noisy next time," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling. "But you were laughing quite loudly."

Snape handed Dumbledore the postcard.

"Muggle art, isn't it?" Dumbledore asked.

Snape frowned and looked over. The picture of a chimp in a muggle car was waving at him. It said 'Mustang' in swirly letters at the bottom.

"The other side," said Severus.

Dumbledore flipped the card over and adjusted his glasses on the end of his nose. 

"Well, it's always nice to be remembered by former students during the holidays," said Dumbledore, smiling slightly as he handed it back to Snape. 

Snape chanced it and opened the package without putting it through his usual anti-jinx checks.

"What is it?" Dumbledore asked curiously.

"I'm not sure," said Snape pulling a black padded pouch out of the box. It was long and thin with a grey drawstring protruding from one end. The pouch seemed empty.

"I believe it is a case for your wand," Dumbledore said.

"Whatever would I need a case for?" Snape asked, confused.

"Somewhere to put it when you sleep," Dumbledore said as he poured himself a goblet of pumpkin juice.

"When I sleep?" Snape frowned and looked inside it again.

"Where do you keep your wand when you sleep?" Dumbledore asked as he served himself flapjacks.

"In my pocket," sniffed Snape. What a silly gift.

"The pocket of your pajamas," Dumbledore said levelly.

"Of course," said Snape, annoyed.

"I think you might want to talk to Moody about one of his more unconventional injuries," said Dumbledore.

Snape sniffed and placed the wand cozy back in the box from whence it came. 

Ridiculous girl, whoever she was.


	5. Chapter 5

Another Postcard Chapter 5

One bright sunny day before spring term, Snape was enjoying a quiet afternoon in the gardens while most of the children had gone off to Hogsmede or were lazing about down near the lake.

He marked the place in his book with a black ribbon and watched with interest as an owl in the sky grew closer. He wasn't the least bit surprised when the owl dropped a postcard in his lap.

The blank side had his name on it in a blocky script. Apparently commentary from the sender was few and far between. At least this time he didn't have any witnesses. Snape looked around and confirmed this. He turned the postcard over and saw a chimp in a kilt, trying to hold a set of bagpipes.

He shook his head and tucked it into his book. He'd post it on his wall later.

"Another one!" Flitwick squeaked happily. "And she's nearly local this time!"

Snape stopped eating his breakfast. He hadn't thought of it that way. He wondered if she would reveal herself.

Was there some key to the postcards? Something he had been missing?

He raced to his office after breakfast and frowned at the growing wall of postcards. He waved his wand and they rearranged themselves in the order they were sent. He couldn't see a pattern. He separated them by continent. Nothing.

He was letting her get to him. He rubbed the space between his eyebrows. Ridiculous girl, whoever she was.

"I hear your friend is getting closer," remarked Dumbledore as Snape approached the staff table for dinner.

Snape gave him a filthy look, but gave a grunt as he sat.

"I wish my former female students would think about me half as much as yours apparently do," Flitwick teased the Potions Master as he reached for a cup of tea.

Snape snorted as Madame Pomfrey giggled into her cup of pumpkin juice.

Thankfully, the rest of the meal went by uneventfully, as long as you didn't count the short-lived food fight at the Hufflepuff table.

Snape did his rounds for the evening, delighted to find two Gryffindors in a passionate embrace and given the excuse to dock their House thirty points.

He walked to his quarters in a cheerful mood.

He spoke his password in front of a small bust of Bernard the Barmy and the sculpture opened it's eyes and blinked at him before sprouting wheels from it's pedistal and rolling off down the hall, revealing a door.

"Stupid git," Snape muttered. He hated the way the bust always took off when he was in for the night. Just because he was in didn't mean he was going to stay there and the stone door locked and unlocked at the head's will.

He stepped into his quarters and let out a sigh of relief.

The elves had paid a visit and the fire was already burning cheerfully in the hearth, his laundry folded neatly in a wicker basket on the small love seat that sat in front of the fireplace. He smiled to himself.

He could always i_scourgify_/i the sheets clean, but the elves had a way of making them soft and smelling of lavender.

He was reaching for the basket when he heard a tapping at his window. He frowned as he saw a black owl gripping a postcard. He took it from the owl who took flight immediately, but instead of swooping off into the night sky it descended down and Snape was surprised when it lit on the arm of a cloaked figure that took off in the direction of the Forbidden Forest.

Severus felt a chill as he closed the window to his quarters. He turned the postcard over, the picture of two chimpanzees frolicking through a field in dresses disappearing as he read the message.

_They're cheaper to send when you're not abroad._

He snorted as he placed it on a low table near the couch and threw a handful of Floo powder into his fireplace. He thrust his head into the green flames and saw the inside of Dumbledore's office. The old man was reading scrolls at his desk and looked up as his fireplace sprang to life.

"I believe we have an intruder on the grounds." Snape looked very serious as Dumbledore's face turned to one of surprise.


End file.
